I KNEW SOMEONE HAD COME TO SEE ME. I heard "I suppose you're looking for HIM" bellowed by 'er indoors down the garden path. I looked up from under the bonnet to see my old mate Klaxon desperately trying to sneak into the garage without being seen.
"If you find the oily wretch" (er, it's a term of endearment) "in that cess-pit he calls a garage-cum-workshop, tell him the central heating is still not finished. Another week and we'll freeze to death". The way she said those words. Garage-cum-workshop, GCW for short. Yes, I admit I did once use the phrase; but did she have to keep hurling it in my direction linked together with cess-pit? She'll never understand.
Still, I soon forgot about the wife when the real reason for Klaxon's visit became apparent. He hadn't, as I had suspected, come to check our travel arrangements to Stoneleigh for the National Restoration Show; but rather brought me, in the words of my mother-in-law's cousin Luigi, an offer I could not refuse. Would I like to share my years of experience with other fellow enthusiasts by writing a series of articles for Classic Motor Monthly? Silly man!
He should have remembered that my old Remington typewriter got thrown out in the great row of '84 ('er indoors wanted two weeks on the Costa Lot, I wanted to regrind my crank. Fellow club members still talk about it on a Friday night down at my local the Chequered History). It was then that he lost me. Word processors? Floppy discs? Flat bed scanners? Still, Klaxon assures me that what I'm saying now into my trusty reel to reel tape recorder will end up in print. Testing, testing, Mary had a little lamb, Germany calling, Germany calling...
OIL-RIGHT ON THE NIGHT
NIPPLES - THAT'S WHAT I've decided to tell you about this month. Yes, I know I should say lubrication, but I know I can say nipples down here in the GCW and feel free from prosecution. (Steady on Spannerman - this isn't Sunday Sport you know - ed).
Whichever of the trusty fleet I'm working on, I always try to follow the same routine when I do my bi-monthly lubrication check. Oil can first, then the grease gun. Next the fluid levels check, and finally the bit I enjoy the most: the paint brush - but more of that later!
With my oil can topped up with a general purpose lubrication oil, I start inside the car. I hope that's got some of you wondering already! Of course, the brake and clutch pedal pivots. Just a couple of drops on each, mind, we don't want oil running all over the place.
Then to the outside, and it's the front-to-back routine. Under the bonnet, the following all need a few drops from the oil can: the carburetter linkage, the dynamo bearing (alternators on the new-fangled machines), the distributor shaft bearing, the pivot on the points and whilst you've got the cap off, a smear on the distributor shaft cam lobes will help prevent wear on the heel of the points. The older ones amongst us can remember when a set of points wasn't complete without its little felt pad soaked in oil to do that last job for us, but of course that was in the good old days before 'Mrs Dale's Diary', Harold McMillan and V.A.T. (aarrrgh - don't mention the VAT!!!).
Sorry, I'm alright now I've had my pills - back to the job in hand. If you've successfully carried out the necessary work under the bonnet, you've probably got a proper oil can with a flexible spout. If you haven't, I recommend you get one! The final two areas in need of attention with the oil can are the door hinges and the handbrake linkage. Again, just a few drops on each will see the job done.
It's now time to check that the grease gun is topped up and once again I consider a flexible hose almost essential to ensure that you can reach even the most inaccessible of nipples. The number of greasing points will vary depending upon the age of the vehicle. The modern idea of having components "Sealed for one year" - oops sorry - "Sealed for Life" was undoubtedly thought up by the man responsible for the size of the after sales market! One very important thing to remember when greasing those nipples is that the grease has got to get to the places where it is most needed.
If you're tackling the king pins for example, the weight of the car will cause the area in most need of the grease to be under the greatest pressure. You must therefore take the pressure off by jacking up the car under the chassis so that the suspension is not under any strain. This will allow the free flow of grease to all those vital areas. I hope I don't have to remind all of you about safety when working under a jacked up car.
When I store away my jack (a very sturdy two ton trolley jack picked up at Malvern) I always place at least one pair of axle stands on top of the jack. That way I don't forget to use them! But now, its front to back time again. My greasing checklist is as follows: water pump and fan; steering gearbox; front suspension control arms; steering swivel/king pins; track rod ends; front wheel bearings; clutch cross shaft; prop shaft splines; prop shaft universal joints; hand brake cable; hand brake compensator; rear suspension control arms; rear wheel bearings.
The fluid level check comes next. I don't generally worry about topping up any of the levels during my lubrication check, but rather use this as an opportunity to keep an eye or two open for the tell tale signs of any problems to come. I don't fancy finding out that I've run out of brake fluid half way down one of those hills into Brighton! (Not of course that I can afford to own a Veteran; but I always go along each November - and could you imagine the repair bill if my '36 TA hit something thirty-odd years its senior!) The front to back list for the levels is as follows: engine oil; brake fluid; clutch fluid; front shock absorbers; gearbox; rear axle; rear shock absorbers.
The curious amongst you will be wondering about the paint brush. The reason I enjoy this final bit of the job is because of the lovely smell of oil freshly painted on leaf springs. Yes, I know that a lot of people poo-poo (or is that pooh-pooh?) the idea these days, but I am still a firm believer in looking after those vital components that carry at least half, and sometimes the whole, weight of the car. Clean off any surface dirt or dust that has accumulated since the last time, and a thin coat painted onto the leaves will help keep the springs as healthy as the day they were made. To say nothing of that lovely smell of fresh oil...
Until the next time - see you soon down the GCW!
Spannerman
Got a technical query for Spannerman? E-mail your problem to the old boy and we'll try sort you out! He might even ask his old pal, Klaxon...after he's sorted out just what IS e-mail!
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